It’s been a while since I last wrote here.
Not because I had nothing to say, but because life asked something different of me. Instead of writing about healing, I needed to fully immerse myself in it.
If you’ve been following my journey, you’ll know that it really began after the end of an emotionally abusive relationship. It left me devastated and asking questions I’d never truly asked before.
Why am I like this?
Why do I keep repeating the same patterns?
Why can’t I seem to find lasting happiness?
What is wrong with me?
Those questions became the catalyst for a year of deep self-discovery. I read countless books, listened to podcasts, immersed myself in psychology, explored attachment theory, learned about childhood trauma, and slowly began putting the pieces of myself back together. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was making real progress.
Then life got busy.
Work became overwhelming. My focus shifted back to simply getting through each day. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself I was slipping backwards. The calm I’d worked so hard to build seemed to disappear, and old emotions I’d thought I’d healed resurfaced.
I felt frustrated.
Had I undone all of my progress?
Had I somehow failed at healing?
Looking back now, I realise that healing doesn’t move in a straight line.
Sometimes it asks us to revisit old wounds – not because we’ve failed, but because we’re finally ready to heal them at a deeper level.
A few months ago, everything came to a head.
The stress I’d been carrying for so long finally caught up with me, and I experienced what I can only describe as an emotional breakdown at work.
At the time, it felt terrifying.
I thought I was falling apart.
Now, I see it completely differently.
It wasn’t the moment I broke. It was the moment I broke open.
That experience became the catalyst for one of the most profound periods of growth I’ve ever experienced.
I threw myself into researching spirituality – not because I was searching for an escape from reality, but because I was searching for a deeper understanding of it. I wanted to know why we suffer. Why certain experiences shape us so profoundly. Whether there was more to life than simply surviving from one day to the next.
What I discovered has transformed the way I see myself, the world, and my place within it.
I still have so much to learn. I don’t believe awakening is a destination or that one day I’ll have all the answers. If anything, the more I learn, the more I realise how much there is still to discover.
But something fundamental has changed within me.
For years, I lived almost entirely in the past or the future. I replayed painful memories, trying to understand why they happened. I worried endlessly about what might happen next.
Very rarely did I simply experience the life unfolding in front of me.
One of the ideas that resonated most deeply with me during my spiritual journey came from Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch: our power exists only in the present moment. The past survives only as memory, and the future exists only as possibility. Life itself is always happening now.
It sounds so simple.
Yet it completely changed the way I viewed my life.
I began to realise that so much of my suffering wasn’t coming from what had happened years ago – it was coming from the fact that I was reliving those experiences every single day.
The past had gone. Only my attachment to it remained.
As I slowly began letting go of the stories I had carried for so long, something unexpected happened.
I stopped asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
Instead, I started asking, “Who was I before I believed all these stories about myself?”
That question changed everything.
For years, I believed I was searching for myself.
Now I understand something entirely different.
I never lost myself.
I buried myself.
And this blog series is the story of how, piece by piece, I am uncovering the person who was there all along.
