Moving away from fear has not been easy.
And if I’m honest, I don’t think it is something I will ever completely finish.
There will probably always be moments when fear shows up.
The difference now is that I notice it.
I used to think that feeling anxious meant something was wrong.
That I needed to figure out why I was feeling it, make it go away, or avoid whatever was causing it.
Now I’m learning to do something different.
I let myself feel it.
I notice it.
I acknowledge it.
I sit with the discomfort instead of immediately trying to escape it.
And then when I’m ready, I make a choice.
I can let it go.
Sometimes that happens quickly.
Sometimes it doesn’t.
Sometimes I have to sit with something for a while before I can loosen my grip on it.
But I’m beginning to understand that this is a practice.
The more I practice something, the better I become at it.
And somewhere along the way, I have started replacing fear with something else.
Curiosity.
Instead of:
“I’m anxious.”
I can ask:
“Why am I feeling this?”
“What is this trying to teach me?”
“What would happen if I didn’t let this feeling make the decision?”
“What could I discover if I tried anyway?”
I don’t always know the answers.
And that’s okay.
I’m becoming much more comfortable with not knowing.
For a long time, I wanted certainty.
I wanted to know that I was making the right decision before I made it.
I wanted to know where something would lead before I took the first step.
I wanted reassurance that things wouldn’t go wrong.
But life doesn’t really work that way.
Sometimes you have to take the step and see what happens.
And this new curiosity has made me much more willing to do that.
I’ve started saying yes.
Yes to invitations from friends.
Yes to getting out of my room.
Yes to trying new things.
Yes to challenges.
Yes to exploring places I haven’t been.
I’ve even started learning a new language, simply because I want to.
And that has taught me something too.
I used to tell myself:
“I’m just not good at learning languages.”
Now I’m trying to think differently.
Maybe I’m not supposed to be good at it immediately.
Maybe I just need to give it time.
If I learn a little bit every day, eventually it will come.
I don’t need the result today.
But the result will never come if I don’t do a little bit today.
Or tomorrow.
Or the day after that.
That has become something of a new life motto for me.
I don’t need to have the result today.
I just need to take one small step today.
And that idea is starting to change more than just the way I learn.
I’m putting myself in situations that I would have once avoided.
I’ve started sitting in cafés by myself with a book.
I’ve joined new activities.
I’ve even joined a climbing club.
None of these things are particularly revolutionary.
But for me, they represent something bigger.
I’m choosing to participate in my own life.
I still absolutely love my home.
I love curling up in bed getting comfortable, and binge-watching a drama.
And I’m not trying to become someone who is constantly out doing things.
There is nothing wrong with loving your own space.
The difference is that my four walls are no longer the only place where I feel comfortable.
I’m learning to love what is outside them too.
There is a whole world out there.
People I haven’t met.
Places I haven’t seen.
Things I’ve never tried.
Skills I haven’t learned.
Conversations I haven’t had.
Experiences I can’t even imagine yet.
And I’m starting to wonder:
What might I miss if I let fear keep me inside?
That question feels much more exciting than asking myself what could go wrong.
Because maybe the goal isn’t to become fearless.
Maybe the goal is to become curious enough to keep moving even when fear comes along for the ride.
I can feel afraid and still go.
I can feel uncertain and still try.
I can feel uncomfortable and still stay.
I can not know how something will turn out and still be willing to find out.
And perhaps that is what freedom is beginning to feel like for me.
Not the absence of fear.
But the awareness that fear doesn’t get to choose my life for me.
There is so much I haven’t experienced yet.
So many places to explore.
So many things to learn.
So many versions of myself I haven’t met.
I don’t know exactly where any of it will lead.
And for once, I’m okay with that.
I’m curious to find out.
Because life is happening outside my four walls.
And I think it’s time I went out and grabbed a little bit of it.
