For many years, if someone had asked me where home was, I wouldn’t have known how to answer.
Was it Ireland?
The place where I was born.
The place where I grew up.
The place that held so many memories, both beautiful and painful.
Or was it Thailand?
The place I chose.
The place where I built a life.
The place that has been my home for the last eighteen years.
For a long time, I felt as though I had to choose between them.
Almost as though loving one meant letting go of the other.
But this year, something shifted.
For years, Ireland was the place I had run away from.
Not because I hated it.
Far from it.
But because it carried so much weight.
It held memories I couldn’t quite reach.
Questions I couldn’t answer.
A version of myself I didn’t fully understand.
Whenever I thought about Ireland, I often thought about the pain.
Boarding school.
Feeling different.
Trying to find where I belonged.
It was as though my memories had become tangled together, and I couldn’t separate the difficult ones from the beautiful ones.
So instead of looking back…I kept moving forward.
Or at least, I thought I was.
When I moved to Thailand almost eighteen years ago, it felt like freedom.
A new beginning.
A chance to become someone else.
No one knew my history.
No one knew the stories I had carried.
I could simply start again.
And in many ways, Thailand gave me exactly what I needed.
It became the place where I discovered independence.
Where I found meaningful work.
Where I built incredible friendships.
Where I discovered aerial hoop, a career I love, and a community that has become family.
It became the place where I learned who I could become.
For a long time, I thought I had left my old life behind.
But healing has a gentle way of reminding us that we can change countries…without leaving ourselves.
This year, I returned to Ireland with very different eyes.
I wasn’t searching for an escape.
I wasn’t trying to prove anything.
I simply wanted to walk through the places that had shaped me.
I visited beaches where I had spent happy childhood holidays.
Places I hadn’t seen in years.
As I stood there, I realised something I hadn’t expected.
The memories didn’t have to be perfect to be precious.
Some of my childhood was painful.
Some of it was joyful.
Both things could be true.
For the first time, I wasn’t trying to decide which version of my past was the real one.
They both were.
As I walked through familiar places, I felt something I hadn’t felt before.
Gratitude.
Not because everything had been easy.
But because every chapter had played a part in making me who I am today.
Ireland gave me my roots.
It gave me resilience.
It gave me stories.
It gave me a deep appreciation for nature, quiet moments, and the beauty of simple things.
It shaped my heart in ways I am still discovering.
I no longer see it as the place I escaped from.
I see it as the place that raised me.
Thailand, on the other hand, became the place where I learned to spread my wings.
It is where I became a counsellor.
Where I found purpose.
Where I have spent nearly two decades helping children navigate their own journeys.
It is where Bug came into my life.
Where I have laughed until I cried with friends.
Where I have built a life that once existed only in my imagination.
Thailand wasn’t just an escape.
It became home too.
Somewhere along the way, I realised I had been asking the wrong question.
Instead of asking,
“Which place is home?”
I began asking,
“What does home actually feel like?”
The answer surprised me.
Home isn’t a country.
It isn’t a house.
It isn’t even a place on a map.
Home is the feeling of belonging.
The feeling of being able to exhale.
The feeling of being accepted exactly as you are.
Home is where your heart feels safe enough to rest.
For the first time in my life, I feel as though I carry home with me.
A part of my heart will always belong to Ireland.
Its green fields.
Its rugged coastline.
Its changing skies.
The little girl who grew up there will always be part of me.
Another part of my heart belongs to Thailand.
The warmth.
The kindness.
The friendships.
The students who have shaped my life as much as I have shaped theirs.
The community that has supported me through some of my hardest and happiest years.
Neither place cancels out the other.
They exist together.
Just as every version of me exists together.
Perhaps that is what healing has really been teaching me all along.
I don’t have to reject parts of my story in order to embrace the next chapter.
I don’t have to choose between the girl I was and the woman I have become.
I don’t have to choose between Ireland and Thailand.
Both places have loved me.
Both places have challenged me.
Both places have helped shape the person I am today.
For years, I thought I was searching for home.
I searched for it in places.
In people.
In achievements.
In the future.
What I have discovered is something much simpler.
Home was never somewhere I needed to find.
It was something I needed to feel.
And somewhere along this journey…
Between the beaches of Ireland…
The streets of Bangkok…
The laughter of my students…
The quiet moments with Bug…
The friendships I treasure…
And the peace I have finally found within myself…
I realised that my heart had quietly built a home in more than one place.
Because home was never a destination.
It was the feeling of finally belonging to myself.
And wherever I go next…that is the one place I know I will always carry with me.
